I am a white passing mother raising a non passing son.

I am a white passing mother raising a son who will never pass as white.  My family's story includes a heritage of French, German and English ancestry, but I am also Hispanic and native. I am proud to be multi-ethnic,  but I can certainly pass as white depending on which parent I am standing with or how I carry myself. I have learned how to navigate situations to play to privilege, color - other or join at my discretion. As a child or teen, I maybe didn't understand how to do this, but society certainly allowed me opportunities to perfect this skill.

My son is all of me.... And, he is also black. He comes from a rich history of Creole ancestry, has the burden of not knowing his true African roots, and the privilege of being a member of a truly vibrant culture. He will never pass as white. He may on some days, to some people, pass as "not black," but he is most certainly a person of color. He is perfect. 

What does that mean for him in this world today? What does that mean for me as his parent? I am a essentially a white mother raising a person of color. 

Glowing, giggling toddler

My glowing, giggly toddler walks into a room assuming everyone will love him. And they do! We cant go anywhere, run a single errand, without a handful of people coming up to him and joyfully meeting him. Every day I hear how beautiful he is, how curly he is, how smart he is, how talkative he is. He is not a threat to them. He is a beautiful, curious nonthreatening baby boy.  But, how long will that last?

In America we are taught that black men are scary, violent, and even predatory. They are seen as a threat before they are even men. Then we wonder why some of them become the predators we make them out to be. The NY Times featured an amazing, heartbreaking video. It essentially covered the lessons we as parents, black or not, must teach our black sons.

Lesson 1: The police are not your friend. 

Lesson 2: Some people wont like you and it has nothing to do with who you are. 

Lesson 3: You are more than what they expect you to be.

It broke my heart.

Please vote. Please take a stand.

I was innocent for longer than most of my friends. I played with Barbies until sixth grade. I was the last of my friends to wear make up and I still enjoyed watching Barney and Mr. Rogers for far longer than I care to admit. My mother wanted to maintain my innocence and childhood as long as she could and it served me well. My internal struggle now is realizing that I cant necessarily take that same tact with my son. I cant maintain his innocence longer than the moment society begins to see him as a threat. How heavy is that?

My son was luckily born into a powerful black family that can help model to him that he gets to define his own self worth and not his oppressors. He was also born into a time where the number of interracial marriages and mixed race children are at an all time high. We have had Obama! But, we have also had Trump. We estimate by 2050 America will be considered the mixed race future, but we also have a need for the Black Lives Matter movement... 

My only wish is that we are able to make a change in our society before I have to teach my son those unfortunate lessons mentioned above. Please join me in making a difference, everyday. 

A generational response to gun violence

The Santa Fe High School shooting occurred only hours from my home and marks the second nationally recognized massacre to occur near me of recent (The first was the "Texas Church" shooting in the small town of Sutherland Springs).  I posted on Facebook my very real consideration for home schooling my son. "I don't take my child to dangerous environments and its starting to feel like schools are a hub for violence" I replied to my singular protester. The rest of the responses were overwhelmingly in agreement. My fellow mommy community seemed to share the same fears and were also seriously considering home schooling as a way to keep their children safe. And why wouldn't they. Today is May 19th and there have been 22 mass shootings.... No, not this year... this MONTH alone! (SOURCE)

77 year old Grandmother

This morning, I was meeting with my Grandmother who was born in 1941. She is an avid reader but doesn't care much for following the news. I regularly update her on major events and today was no different. We talked about the royal wedding and the Santa Fe shooting, but the shooting absolutely shocked her. Her face was of utter disbelief and she almost started to cry. I mentioned it almost like a grocery shopping list reading and realized in that moment she was about to cry. I imagine this is how I used to feel back in 1999 when school shootings felt unthinkable.

I grew up with guns. Our family is in complete support of gun ownership. We spent our falls hunting, our summers target shooting and some of our most sentimental family heirlooms included my Grandfather's rifles. Guns were something you respected, used responsibly, and kept secure. Upon telling my Grandma about the Santa Fe shooting, she was so confused as how one person could shoot that many people so quickly. I then realized that in hearing this story, my grandmother was picturing a student using a hunting rifle to commit these crimes. And why wouldn't she? That is how I grew up. That was the original purpose of the 2nd amendment. To allow families to bear arms in support of their own personal protection, protest and survival. It was not designed to protect an individual's right to collect high magazine sporting rifles as a matter of hobby or even worse, arm their plan for mass assault.

This should not be the last of our innocence.

When I advised my grandmother that now you can buy rifles that have a high magazine capacity and are semi automatic, she looked at me like the younger generation was completely out of their mind. And we are. That look was well deserved.

"I always felt, eventually it was going to happen here too" Paige Curry (17), a Santa Fe Shooting Survivor explained expectantly of the day's massacre (SOURCE).

We have allowed this to happen to our children. They are essentially expectant of the possibility of a school shooting with about the same apathy as we may have felt about car accidents growing up. Guilty, I find myself scrolling through Facebook and mass casualty usually only gets a small portion of my attention as I find the next video of a friend's newly crawling baby. I too have apathy. My heart goes out to Paige Curry, the Santa Fe families, and all of our youth. My son was born in 2015. What will he say? What will he think about gun violence? Is this really what we want normalized for our children? I want him to have the same innocence as my Grandmother and be raised with the same respect and boundaries for firearms as me.

Enjoying the bounty of Spring in Texas

To learn more about gun control policy options and opinions visit: https://www.politico.com/story/2018/02/28/gun-control-polling-parkland-430099

Being Naked

From: www.istockphoto.com

It all started with our fertility treatments.  I had to get vaginal sonograms several times a month and inseminated regularly. This meant a number or people were regularly all up in my business. Then labor and childbirth for me was a naked experience. It just needed to happen that way... Then nursing. Nursing meant my body was no longer my own. Instead of nourishing me and thinking of me, my  body was doing everything it could to produce liquid gold for a baby who certainly thought my body was just an extension of his. This meant boobs out all hours of the day. And, the story continues... If I wanted to shower, like really shower without a screaming baby in the background, baby was in the tub with me. More than I care to admit, going to the restroom meant holding a baby on my lap.  Sometimes my opportunity to get dressed, or halfway into getting dressed, would be interrupted by an impending baby need. I know all of you moms can relate. Being naked is just a much bigger part of my life as a mom. 

My son has two older cousins. By older, I mean 2 and 3 years older. A year ago, when they were 1, 3 and 4 we would just throw them all in the tub together during family visits. They loved bath time. Bubbles and boats with cousins were precious memories. A year later, they were 2, 4 and 5 and without discussion, we no longer presented the option of cousin baths. The 5 year old was now concerned about modesty, closing the door, and very communicative about making sure people did see my son's business during diaper changes.

Growing up in my house modesty and privacy were taught at a very young age and enforced. I can't even remember bathing with my brother who is 14 months younger than me. My partner on the other hand grew up in a household of 9 siblings where modesty was simply not even technically possible. Still to this day, nakedness with her sisters is not even noticed.  

I know norms surrounding nakedness, boundaries and modesty are very different across the world? It can be attributed to culture or even family.  But, is it something that happens naturally? Does a family settle into a norm that moves and changes as children age and grow without conscious thought?  Or is it something thought out and planned? Do you directly correlate milestones and delineate by gender? 

When do you stop bathing with child? 

Is it a different rule for Moms vs. Dads?

When do siblings stop bathing together?

When is it no longer acceptable for your child to see you naked?

When is it no longer appropriate to see your child naked?

Do these boundaries even exist in your family?

I thought it would be fun to here what other moms have to see. I am sure there is a range that would be an interesting point for discussion. 

It takes time to make perfect.

Our first positive pregnancy test.
March 2015

 "It takes time to make perfect," became my pregnancy mantra.  I was so eager to conceive and had a schedule and plan set out, which of course... didn't happen. To piggy back off of my last post, trying to conceive can be hard. My story. I don't know if I have infertility issues per say. Not every fertility issues can even be diagnosed. However, our family is a same-sex household and we don't get the benefit of trying for free.  We also seem to take longer to get pregnant than the average fertility patient, so there are definitely challenges in conceiving.  Every pregnancy attempt is timed, medicated, monitored, and very expensive. I've been poked and prodded so far into one successful pregnancy.  It certainly takes the "fun" out of getting pregnant or eliminates the surprise/oops factor, but by no means takes the excitement away when it does happen.

Unfortunately in the US, fertility treatments are covered minimally for heterosexual couples, if at all, and not covered at all for single or same sex couples. That is a huge problem in my opinion. My son took nine attempts and is now lovingly referred to as our "community college baby" because he has already spent his college fund. Not really, but in reality, many things were just put on pause. Travel, buying clothes, restoring our home, replacing vehicles, buying anything nonessential, just became unimportant compared to making a baby.  Saving for a hopeful number two certainly puts our family in that same financial boat again. Any meal out is a potential round of one of the medications. It puts non essential expenses in an interesting light that is for sure.

5 weeks!

I've been fortunate enough that after attempting nine times that I did actually get pregnant and did not have a miscarriage. I could not imagine feeling the excitement and relief of finally getting a positive test, just to lose it a week, month or even 6 months into the pregnancy. I loved my baby before we even conceived with my entire heart. That type of loss would be immeasurable and it breaks my heart that it is such a heavy "secret" weighing on so many woman. You should know that most women (more than 85 percent) who miscarry are able to get pregnant again and give birth to healthy babies. Since most miscarriages occur totally randomly, having one does not increase your risk of experiencing a subsequent pregnancy loss (Source).

I share my story because I think as a woman who "struggles" to get pregnant, we can sometimes feel alone, frustrated, disheartened, or maybe even experience grief. I just wanted to reach out to others who have had a rocky path and share my mantra with you. "It takes time to make perfect."

Jessica Saurez Photography
http://www.jessica-suarez-photography.com/

Our Hidden Secret, Infant Loss and Infertility

Photo borrowed from http://www.saltycanary.com/infertility-update/

"Are you planning to have kids?" "Didn't you want to have more kids?" "Have you started trying yet?"

All of these are innocent questions that I am certainly guilty of asking. They are not bad questions. In fact, they are great conversation starters. But, these questions can have a little sting when directed to a family privately struggling with infertility or loss.  

"I'm pregnant!" "We weren't even trying."

These statements can also sting. Again, not bad things to say, but can indirectly remind a family that their path to parenthood wasn't or isn't as easy. To clarify, I guarantee they are genuinely happy for their friends and family who have conceived. Its just the fact that as a culture we have made infertility a secret battle that feels almost impossible to relate to. A secret pain that you alone are enduring and possibly even ashamed of... We talk openly about pregnancy, we recognize every prenatal milestone, but infertility is not talked about. 

Well, lets talk about it. 

1.5 million women between the ages of 15 and 44 are considered infertile today (Source).

Infertility affects about 12 percent of the reproductive-age population. In the United States, this includes 7.3 million women and their partners (Source). 

Among married women without children, 25 percent of those aged 35 to 39 were infertile (Source).

At least a million babies have been born in the U.S. using lab-assisted techniques (Source).

20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage (Source).

1 in 4 women have experienced the heartache of at least one miscarriage (Source).

My goal with this article was not to ask anyone to stop saying these statements, hide their pregnancy successes, or even create sympathy.... My goal was simply to give a voice to many woman's private battle.  I see you. We see you. It is your path to parenthood.  It is also your decision on how to get there.  Families privately battling their way to parenthood have given a great deal of thought to their options. Should we adopt, foster, seek fertility treatments, become super Aunts and Uncles or let nature decide? They probably have the most thought out and conscious path to parenthood in our society.  As a result, their choice must be honored and respected. 

  





   

To vaccinate or not vaccinate, that is the question.

The more I learn about vaccines, the
more I have been rethinking my position.  For my son we determined we wanted to do a
delayed schedule. Our pure, healthy, clean little baby... I just didn't want to
put anything "bad" in his body just yet. We waited until he was a few
months old to start vaccinating and now he is currently up to date on all
vaccines as a toddler. I wasn't sure how to navigate the exemption process and
I was nervous that we could have issues with the state if we didn't
vaccinate.  Since then, I have learned that the vaccine exemption for
philosophical purposes is very easy to complete and electing to not vaccinate for
philosophical purposes is much different than neglecting to follow-up on your
child’s wellness. I think that if we are ever blessed with a second child, I
will elect to only do very specific vaccines.

Here is why. Vaccines today in the US
have tons of additives.  It takes tons of
time and research to conclude all of the additives added to each manufactures
vaccine concoction.  However, this is a
copy and paste from the Center for Disease Control website of some of the “common”
additives:

“Common substances found in vaccines include:Aluminum gels or salts of aluminum which are added as adjuvants to
help the vaccine stimulate a better response. Adjuvants help promote an
earlier, more potent response, and more persistent immune response to the
vaccine.
Antibiotics which are added to some vaccines to prevent the growth of
germs (bacteria) during production and storage of the vaccine. No vaccine
produced in the United States contains penicillin.
Egg protein is found in influenza and yellow fever vaccines, which are
prepared using chicken eggs. Ordinarily, persons who are able to eat eggs or
egg products safely can receive these vaccines.
Formaldehyde is used to inactivate bacterial products for toxoid
vaccines, (these are vaccines that use an inactive bacterial toxin to produce
immunity.) It is also used to kill unwanted viruses and bacteria that might
contaminate the vaccine during production. Most formaldehyde is removed from
the vaccine before it is packaged.
Monosodium glutamate (MSG) and 2-phenoxy-ethanol which are used as
stabilizers in a few vaccines to help the vaccine remain unchanged when the
vaccine is exposed to heat, light, acidity, or humidity.
Thimerosal is a mercury-containing preservative that is added to vials
of vaccine that contain more than one dose to prevent contamination and growth
of potentially harmful bacteria. (SOURCE)”

Another adjuvant found in some specific
vaccines is peanut oil. Every wonder why in the past 50 years peanut allergies
have sky rocketed in the US specifically to the millions? It’s because some
vaccines use peanut oil as an adjuvant. This means when the immune system is
triggered to fight the introduction of the virus, it is also triggered to be
sensitive to peanuts.  Unfortunately, my
son has a life threatening allergy to peanuts now thanks to vaccines, but don’t
worry, he won’t get the chicken pox in kindergarten (insert eye roll here).
(SOURCE)

EpiPen: $300 to $630. Revenue rose to $2.69 billion in the first quarter of 2017 (SOURCE). 

“Vaccines cause immunity and hypersensitivity”
(SOURCE). So, the medical community has decided we will take the good with the
bad. This makes sense for life threatening or untreatable illness like say,
polio… but maybe not Hep B. The chance of your infant contracting Hep B is so incredibly
low and if he or she did, it is in fact treatable.  Also, let’s talk about the chicken pox. It is
not life threatening and in my opinion, it is kind of a rights of passage.  I of course would prefer that my child never
get sick, but being sick for 2-7 days in my opinion is a normal part of life
and development and preferable to living with a lifelong serious condition.

The sensitivity side effect of vaccines goes
even deeper. Anything introduced around the time of the vaccine (specifically
24 hours of injection), your child has a risk of forming sensitivity to. Some
children are more sensitive than others and some children have sensitivities
for longer periods than others and may even become allergies (like food
allergies).  Ever wonder why so many children
have a sensitivity to milk for 6 months and then “grow out of it.”  100 years ago babies had two choices, breast
milk (which had dairy in it from mother’s ingestion) or dairy directly. Now,
the number of children with dairy sensitivities is skyrocketing and that is
because on day of vaccine we feed our children dairy, and lots of it.

Introducing toxins into our body always has a
cost. If I as an adult told you I was going to eat aluminum, you would freak
out. Yet we think it is okay to shoot it into our baby’s blood stream. Yes, it
is a very small amount, but think…. It is introduced several different times
(2-3 shots every 2-3 months) during your child’s first two years on earth
and when they are at their most sensitive (due to the hypersensitivity caused
by vaccines). It has a long term lasting effect.  To quote the CDC again, aluminum has toxic
and tragic effects on the human brain and other organs (SOURCE). I mean, why
are we doing this?

Around the world, different countries view
vaccines differently. Many countries have made it illegal to use some of the
same additives as the US and thus have much lower rates of vaccine injury.  If I had the opportunity to do it over, I
would only vaccinate for life threatening, untreatable conditions and leave the
rest on the table.  

Activated Charcoal, My new favorite.

I feel like every few months, I get a new favorite natural remedy that I just obsess over.  It started with ACV (apple cider vinegar), then moved to passion flower, then coconut oil and so on.... I'm sure many of you can relate. My new obsession is activated charcoal. 

Regardless of your religious or spiritual views, we absolutely cannot deny the amazing gifts that our earth presents to us. We have the capability of healing and preventing nearly every element with clean living, but unfortunately with the way our modern international culture sustains itself, finding clean living or attempting clean living is increasingly more difficult. But back to my initial point, activated charcoal is certainly one of our earths natural gifts.

What is it? 

Activated charcoal is charcoal made from burned coconut shells, olive pits, bone char, peet, coal or sawdust. One of these ingredients is heated to a specific high temperature activating an important pore structure within the charcoal.

How it works.

Basically the pores of the charcoal act as a filter within your own body. Much like a water filter. Additionally, charcoal not only filters, it pulls and attracts toxins into its filter. "On a molecular level, the spinning electrons make activated charcoal highly electrical, putting out a negative ionic charge. The negative charge attracts positively charged substances such as toxins and poisons like a magnet (source). "

Our household has used it to whiten teeth and treat diarrhea, heartburn or constipation in both adults and toddlers. We also use it to purify both adult and babes blood and organs from toxins such as heavy metals.  The adults just take it in pill form, easy, but baby gets a dose in his milk mixed with honey. He loves it!  For topical uses, like teeth whitening or facial mask, go for it, but for ingestion, activated charcoal peaks its use at four weeks. So we do one month on and one month off to get its full benefits. 

You can go youtube binge crazy learning more on this goodie. So enjoy!