Confession: Apologizing for Greatness

Last post, I discussed the responsibility of managing our lower qualities. One thing I do, that my mom does, and her mom does, is we hide and apologize for greatness. Its so automatic that until recently, I didn't even realize to what an extent I do this. Here is a clear example, if someone compliments me on my parenting, I quickly share a flaw that I have as a parent or divert all credit to my Little Bear. I don't just say "thank you," or engage in a conversation on the topic, I quickly divert and distract away from the praise.

I feel like I have to apologize for greatness. I work extremely hard. I'm constantly researching, working, living life at full speed, and I am proud of my accomplishments..... as long as no one notices. I keep many of my projects and passions secrets as not to draw attention. I graduated with high honors from undergrad and graduate school and the only person who shared this accomplishment was my partner. I didn't tell a sole (outside my resume).

In the past, I have justified and denied this behavior by wrongfully calling this humility, modesty, or shyness.  But really, its self deprecation. You give a compliment, I take it away with a bigger criticism.  I have a huge issue with this quality for two main reasons.

1) I want my Little Bear to be proud of his accomplishments and own them with genuine humility and modesty.


2) Out if habit, I now habitually apologize for my child's greatness.  (WHHAAAATTTTT!!!!!)

That second reasons hurts the most. I do, do that (deep sigh). For example, if someone compliments my son's advanced speech, I own it and say thank you. I'm proud. And then I quickly point out and refocus on that he is behind in his growth. Um.... What was that? Why!!!!

I've been working actively on socializing my Little Bear since birth. I'm the main care provider and largely stay at home, so I understand that without daycare, I have to purposefully create experiences for him. We have actively worked on playing, sharing, and interacting. The other day my Little Bear demonstrated that he is really grasping these skills at a recent play session. He made sure everyone in the room had a toy if they were too shy to get one on their own. And he is not even 2! What a sweetheart! The other parent's in the room were in such aw and asked how I worked with him on sharing. My response..... "I don't think he knew he was sharing. I think he just likes helping."  

For one, that doesn't even make sense, for two, I am undermining his generosity by reassigning his motivations as self serving, and three, "Ugh!" I immediately regretted saying it. Why would I steal his thunder? Why wouldn't I just share how we have been working on socialization? You know why? I was embarrassed.  Standing out and being successful embarrasses me, even though I work so hard to be successfully d want my son to grow up proud of his successes. 

This for me is by far the hardest blog entry to write and the one that feels the most personal. I am committing today, I will no longer apologize for my child's greatness. It doesn't mean other kids or people aren't great too. It just means he happens to be great also.  I also need to apply this lesson to myself. Or my son with learn this blueprint for accepting praise, just like I did.    

Being Stronger.

The most intense part of being a mother for me is understanding that my child models himself after me. Its an immeasurable realization that while my little bear was born his own person, he utterly looks up to me (well... at least for now...) and will model his behaviors after mine. How I manage fear, he will learn. How I manage stress, he will learn.  As he becomes older, he may be able to cognitively process and establish different coping skills from mine, but the blueprint for these reactions come from those he is closest.

My mother pushed herself. She was immensely motivated to raise a strong woman. She recognized early on that there were certain aspects of her character and coping that made her life more difficult. She purposefully targeted all efforts to teaching me differently. She largely succeeded. I am a strong, independent and brave person. What's crazy though is on a cognitive level, I am able to do what was taught. However, when I slide into a lower level of consciousness, "autopilot," her behavioral blueprint is a part of my make up too.  I've repeated many of her same mistakes.  This is not a criticism of my mother, but an example to me of the powerful influence our parents have over our lives.

"Its not always enough to teach our kids how to be stronger, we also have to genuinely make ourselves stronger."  

• If we want our daughters to have good body image, we have to  model good body image. 
• If we want out sons to be emphatic, sensitive and strong, we have to model empathy, sensitivity and strength.
• If we don't want to raise codependent children, we cant be codependent adults. 
• If we don't want to raise a child with low self esteem, we cant model an all encompassing low self-esteem.  

Depression, anxiety, sexual abuse, domestic violence, etc, are all cyclical issues that are passed down from generation to generation. Other factors like biology, war-time trauma, extreme poverty, etc can of course change the course of a functional family, but largely we pass these lessons on to our children.

We will never be perfect. We are all flawed humans who are striving to be better. I will make mistakes with my son and I will unfortunately pass down some of my lower qualities. But I promise, I will dedicate every second of my life to being the best version of myself, to live consciously, so I can pass the best of my intentions.  The weight and pressure is real.

Photo by: Jessica Saurez Photography
http://www.jessica-suarez-photography.com/

   

What is Having it All? Career and Motherhood.

Contributed by Writer: Ashly McVea-Figueroa

Creater of: Alice & Eddy Party

Blogger at: www.aliceonsunday.com

Photo by: Iridescent Photography

I have always been a very career focused person. Then I
became a mom and became a very motherhood focused person. And that’s ok. I
juggled both for about 4 years in the sports + entertainment industry and it
was killer. The thing about that particular industry is it never sleeps.
Unfortunately, neither does an infant…or a toddler and a newborn in the same
house, or two toddlers in the same room.

Things started falling through the cracks in my life. I was
missing soccer practices and mommy & me dances and good night kisses.
Meanwhile, I was promoted 3 times in a 3-year span. And that was what all my
hard work was for, right? But, in all that success, it felt really empty.
Seriously, empty.

So I quit! And don’t get me wrong; Mama Bears can have it
all. Women do it every-freaking-day. Women work full time jobs while pumping in
their cubicles, talking on the phone and setting up play dates. I see it all
time. I was living that life. But I wanted more out of motherhood. I made the
choice to give up career so that I could sacrifice ZERO in motherhood.

The thing is, I don’t feel less successful—I started a small
business (Alice & Eddy Party) that has made less than $1000 in the first
month of business, I’m cash poor (for now) and that is ok….kinda. It’s a process.

In the same vein, I didn’t turn into super mom. I still let
me kids watch way “too much” tv. I still make grilled cheese instead of
preparing a 3 course meal…you get the picture.

The point it, I am happy. My kids see and feel my presence
all the time. I am loved so fully and now I have the time & the energy to
show them that same level of “I can’t live without you” kind of love that they
have always shown me.

I am a stay-at-home Mama Bear with a master’s degree and
experience in an industry that some people never break into. How crazy is that?
But it is my reality and I’m standing in it…happily.