An inclusive answer to "how babies are made."

Every parent knows that at some point their child is going to ask them "where do babies come from?" and "how are babies made?" These questions are almost always uncomfortable for parents because it can also trigger a discussion about sex. It usually comes too soon and marks the milestone that your baby certainly isn't a baby anymore. He or she is demonstrating complex thought and is wanting to learn how the world works. However, this question can get even more complicated for parents who are not able to conceive naturally. Thankfully, in this day an age there are so many amazing fertility options available that allow parents to use surrogates, egg donation, sperm donation, insemination, in vitro fertilization, etc and this doesn't even include the other ways we can make families including domestic or international adoption and foster care.

Emylee McIntyre Photography

Many of you already know that our Little Bear has two moms and is the result of sperm donation and IUI treatments. Prior to starting treatment, our clinic required us to participate in a psychological assessment. Resentful at first, this appointment ended up being so informative. It basically included a discussion of how to answer these questions for your donor conceived child and what language to use with them while growing up. I thought this information was so great, why not share it with friends?

The basic principle includes:

To make a baby, it takes a part from a woman called an egg and a part from a man called the sperm. Sometimes families have their own egg and sperm to use and sometimes families have very special donors that give them their egg and/or their sperm. It takes a lot of love and effort to make a baby and sometimes families need a lot of help from the doctor. Then, the baby has to grow in a belly. This is sometimes the mommy's belly but it can also be the birth mom's belly or a surrogate's belly. Then when the baby is big, it is ready to come out and be with its new family. 

So essentially, sex is really separated from the discussion and reserved for another day. The idea is to keep to the truth of how babies are made, but make slight changes that make the description inclusive of all families. Parent's can also tailor this to fit their specific child's conception/birth story, or to fit a friend's story that your child has questions about. As they get older, more and more details can fill in as they continue to ask questions.

I just really thought to myself what a beautiful world it could be if all children were introduced to how babies were made in this inclusive way. It also really helps to normalize fertility issues, if your child happens to have them as an adult. This introduction to fertility could help alleviate some of the shame and guilt for them later on.

Surprisingly, our 2 1/2 year old son asked us "how are babies made" last week!?!?! I was not ready for this.... I thought I had several more years, but his eager observant little mind has noticed his friends have brothers and sisters and he does not. We shared this story with him and talked to him specifically about how he was conceived. He loves this story! He asks to hear it over and over again. So this is baby tested and approved.

Free Range Parenting Fears

I love the idea of a free range childhood. I grew up in a very small town. We had a decent house in a new developing subdivision, which meant that we were surrounded by acres and acres of open land that was yet to be developed. So my modest subdivision home felt like a ranch with 500 acres. As a child, I was free range from very early on. My brother and I would wear a watch and we were required to check back in at home every hour or so, longer as we got older. Other than our "check ins," we were free to climb trees, build forts, and "rescue" whatever little wild mice or snakes we could capture. It was so much fun and it must have been generational. My mother and father had very similar upbringings. Both grew up in very rural parts of our small town and had easy access to redwood trees, creeks, rivers, wild berries and hills to entertain their days.

San Antonio, Texas

Fast forward to now. I live in a city of nearly 1.8 million people and our house is in the heart of this city. I don't know if times have changed or if there is just less comfort in going free range in a city vs. a town, but I cannot imagine letting my child have the same freedom that I had growing up. You see, in a town there is an understanding that you know most everyone. If someone passed by and saw me playing, it was most likely a friend, a neighbor, a cashier from the grocery... you get the idea. I am not sure if that is a false sense of security or if the stranger danger of a city really puts your child more at risk....  All I know is the idea of gangs, pedophiles and even city police scare range right out of my free.

Free Petting Zoo Event 2018

With that being said, I still love raising my child here. This city is bustling with low cost and free activities for kids. The amount of exposure we have access to is a blessing. My 3 year old has a solid group of diverse friends. He has seen original Picasos and Monets, held dozens of exotic animals, been to major arenas, and benefited from living in a city with a major airport (small town people know that flights are very, very expensive). But as a parent who appreciates free range, how can I incorporate that into my city lifestyle?   

Toddler Centered Art Tour 2018

 I feel free range parenting raises safe and confident kids. Free range parenting:
- Forces kids to assess risk themselves and navigate it appropriately.
- Offers kids opportunity to use their imagination and creativity to entertain themselves without the crutch of toys or electronics.
- Gives kids opportunities to problem solve issues and lets them practice social interactions without intervention.
- Lets kids sample independence and build self-efficacy prior to launching them off into the world.

I have some ideas brewing. Luckily, we also stable a horse at a ranch with 100 acres, so there is an obvious opportunity there; but, I would love to hear more ideas of how you safely incorporate free range parenting into your lifestyle. Any successes or failures? Anyone complete reject this parenting philosophy? Is there a difference between rural and urban? Any urban ideas or opportunities? I would love to hear it all!

I am a white passing mother raising a non passing son.

I am a white passing mother raising a son who will never pass as white.  My family's story includes a heritage of French, German and English ancestry, but I am also Hispanic and native. I am proud to be multi-ethnic,  but I can certainly pass as white depending on which parent I am standing with or how I carry myself. I have learned how to navigate situations to play to privilege, color - other or join at my discretion. As a child or teen, I maybe didn't understand how to do this, but society certainly allowed me opportunities to perfect this skill.

My son is all of me.... And, he is also black. He comes from a rich history of Creole ancestry, has the burden of not knowing his true African roots, and the privilege of being a member of a truly vibrant culture. He will never pass as white. He may on some days, to some people, pass as "not black," but he is most certainly a person of color. He is perfect. 

What does that mean for him in this world today? What does that mean for me as his parent? I am a essentially a white mother raising a person of color. 

Glowing, giggling toddler

My glowing, giggly toddler walks into a room assuming everyone will love him. And they do! We cant go anywhere, run a single errand, without a handful of people coming up to him and joyfully meeting him. Every day I hear how beautiful he is, how curly he is, how smart he is, how talkative he is. He is not a threat to them. He is a beautiful, curious nonthreatening baby boy.  But, how long will that last?

In America we are taught that black men are scary, violent, and even predatory. They are seen as a threat before they are even men. Then we wonder why some of them become the predators we make them out to be. The NY Times featured an amazing, heartbreaking video. It essentially covered the lessons we as parents, black or not, must teach our black sons.

Lesson 1: The police are not your friend. 

Lesson 2: Some people wont like you and it has nothing to do with who you are. 

Lesson 3: You are more than what they expect you to be.

It broke my heart.

Please vote. Please take a stand.

I was innocent for longer than most of my friends. I played with Barbies until sixth grade. I was the last of my friends to wear make up and I still enjoyed watching Barney and Mr. Rogers for far longer than I care to admit. My mother wanted to maintain my innocence and childhood as long as she could and it served me well. My internal struggle now is realizing that I cant necessarily take that same tact with my son. I cant maintain his innocence longer than the moment society begins to see him as a threat. How heavy is that?

My son was luckily born into a powerful black family that can help model to him that he gets to define his own self worth and not his oppressors. He was also born into a time where the number of interracial marriages and mixed race children are at an all time high. We have had Obama! But, we have also had Trump. We estimate by 2050 America will be considered the mixed race future, but we also have a need for the Black Lives Matter movement... 

My only wish is that we are able to make a change in our society before I have to teach my son those unfortunate lessons mentioned above. Please join me in making a difference, everyday. 

A generational response to gun violence

The Santa Fe High School shooting occurred only hours from my home and marks the second nationally recognized massacre to occur near me of recent (The first was the "Texas Church" shooting in the small town of Sutherland Springs).  I posted on Facebook my very real consideration for home schooling my son. "I don't take my child to dangerous environments and its starting to feel like schools are a hub for violence" I replied to my singular protester. The rest of the responses were overwhelmingly in agreement. My fellow mommy community seemed to share the same fears and were also seriously considering home schooling as a way to keep their children safe. And why wouldn't they. Today is May 19th and there have been 22 mass shootings.... No, not this year... this MONTH alone! (SOURCE)

77 year old Grandmother

This morning, I was meeting with my Grandmother who was born in 1941. She is an avid reader but doesn't care much for following the news. I regularly update her on major events and today was no different. We talked about the royal wedding and the Santa Fe shooting, but the shooting absolutely shocked her. Her face was of utter disbelief and she almost started to cry. I mentioned it almost like a grocery shopping list reading and realized in that moment she was about to cry. I imagine this is how I used to feel back in 1999 when school shootings felt unthinkable.

I grew up with guns. Our family is in complete support of gun ownership. We spent our falls hunting, our summers target shooting and some of our most sentimental family heirlooms included my Grandfather's rifles. Guns were something you respected, used responsibly, and kept secure. Upon telling my Grandma about the Santa Fe shooting, she was so confused as how one person could shoot that many people so quickly. I then realized that in hearing this story, my grandmother was picturing a student using a hunting rifle to commit these crimes. And why wouldn't she? That is how I grew up. That was the original purpose of the 2nd amendment. To allow families to bear arms in support of their own personal protection, protest and survival. It was not designed to protect an individual's right to collect high magazine sporting rifles as a matter of hobby or even worse, arm their plan for mass assault.

This should not be the last of our innocence.

When I advised my grandmother that now you can buy rifles that have a high magazine capacity and are semi automatic, she looked at me like the younger generation was completely out of their mind. And we are. That look was well deserved.

"I always felt, eventually it was going to happen here too" Paige Curry (17), a Santa Fe Shooting Survivor explained expectantly of the day's massacre (SOURCE).

We have allowed this to happen to our children. They are essentially expectant of the possibility of a school shooting with about the same apathy as we may have felt about car accidents growing up. Guilty, I find myself scrolling through Facebook and mass casualty usually only gets a small portion of my attention as I find the next video of a friend's newly crawling baby. I too have apathy. My heart goes out to Paige Curry, the Santa Fe families, and all of our youth. My son was born in 2015. What will he say? What will he think about gun violence? Is this really what we want normalized for our children? I want him to have the same innocence as my Grandmother and be raised with the same respect and boundaries for firearms as me.

Enjoying the bounty of Spring in Texas

To learn more about gun control policy options and opinions visit: https://www.politico.com/story/2018/02/28/gun-control-polling-parkland-430099

Being Naked

From: www.istockphoto.com

It all started with our fertility treatments.  I had to get vaginal sonograms several times a month and inseminated regularly. This meant a number or people were regularly all up in my business. Then labor and childbirth for me was a naked experience. It just needed to happen that way... Then nursing. Nursing meant my body was no longer my own. Instead of nourishing me and thinking of me, my  body was doing everything it could to produce liquid gold for a baby who certainly thought my body was just an extension of his. This meant boobs out all hours of the day. And, the story continues... If I wanted to shower, like really shower without a screaming baby in the background, baby was in the tub with me. More than I care to admit, going to the restroom meant holding a baby on my lap.  Sometimes my opportunity to get dressed, or halfway into getting dressed, would be interrupted by an impending baby need. I know all of you moms can relate. Being naked is just a much bigger part of my life as a mom. 

My son has two older cousins. By older, I mean 2 and 3 years older. A year ago, when they were 1, 3 and 4 we would just throw them all in the tub together during family visits. They loved bath time. Bubbles and boats with cousins were precious memories. A year later, they were 2, 4 and 5 and without discussion, we no longer presented the option of cousin baths. The 5 year old was now concerned about modesty, closing the door, and very communicative about making sure people did see my son's business during diaper changes.

Growing up in my house modesty and privacy were taught at a very young age and enforced. I can't even remember bathing with my brother who is 14 months younger than me. My partner on the other hand grew up in a household of 9 siblings where modesty was simply not even technically possible. Still to this day, nakedness with her sisters is not even noticed.  

I know norms surrounding nakedness, boundaries and modesty are very different across the world? It can be attributed to culture or even family.  But, is it something that happens naturally? Does a family settle into a norm that moves and changes as children age and grow without conscious thought?  Or is it something thought out and planned? Do you directly correlate milestones and delineate by gender? 

When do you stop bathing with child? 

Is it a different rule for Moms vs. Dads?

When do siblings stop bathing together?

When is it no longer acceptable for your child to see you naked?

When is it no longer appropriate to see your child naked?

Do these boundaries even exist in your family?

I thought it would be fun to here what other moms have to see. I am sure there is a range that would be an interesting point for discussion. 

It takes time to make perfect.

Our first positive pregnancy test.
March 2015

 "It takes time to make perfect," became my pregnancy mantra.  I was so eager to conceive and had a schedule and plan set out, which of course... didn't happen. To piggy back off of my last post, trying to conceive can be hard. My story. I don't know if I have infertility issues per say. Not every fertility issues can even be diagnosed. However, our family is a same-sex household and we don't get the benefit of trying for free.  We also seem to take longer to get pregnant than the average fertility patient, so there are definitely challenges in conceiving.  Every pregnancy attempt is timed, medicated, monitored, and very expensive. I've been poked and prodded so far into one successful pregnancy.  It certainly takes the "fun" out of getting pregnant or eliminates the surprise/oops factor, but by no means takes the excitement away when it does happen.

Unfortunately in the US, fertility treatments are covered minimally for heterosexual couples, if at all, and not covered at all for single or same sex couples. That is a huge problem in my opinion. My son took nine attempts and is now lovingly referred to as our "community college baby" because he has already spent his college fund. Not really, but in reality, many things were just put on pause. Travel, buying clothes, restoring our home, replacing vehicles, buying anything nonessential, just became unimportant compared to making a baby.  Saving for a hopeful number two certainly puts our family in that same financial boat again. Any meal out is a potential round of one of the medications. It puts non essential expenses in an interesting light that is for sure.

5 weeks!

I've been fortunate enough that after attempting nine times that I did actually get pregnant and did not have a miscarriage. I could not imagine feeling the excitement and relief of finally getting a positive test, just to lose it a week, month or even 6 months into the pregnancy. I loved my baby before we even conceived with my entire heart. That type of loss would be immeasurable and it breaks my heart that it is such a heavy "secret" weighing on so many woman. You should know that most women (more than 85 percent) who miscarry are able to get pregnant again and give birth to healthy babies. Since most miscarriages occur totally randomly, having one does not increase your risk of experiencing a subsequent pregnancy loss (Source).

I share my story because I think as a woman who "struggles" to get pregnant, we can sometimes feel alone, frustrated, disheartened, or maybe even experience grief. I just wanted to reach out to others who have had a rocky path and share my mantra with you. "It takes time to make perfect."

Jessica Saurez Photography
http://www.jessica-suarez-photography.com/

Our Hidden Secret, Infant Loss and Infertility

Photo borrowed from http://www.saltycanary.com/infertility-update/

"Are you planning to have kids?" "Didn't you want to have more kids?" "Have you started trying yet?"

All of these are innocent questions that I am certainly guilty of asking. They are not bad questions. In fact, they are great conversation starters. But, these questions can have a little sting when directed to a family privately struggling with infertility or loss.  

"I'm pregnant!" "We weren't even trying."

These statements can also sting. Again, not bad things to say, but can indirectly remind a family that their path to parenthood wasn't or isn't as easy. To clarify, I guarantee they are genuinely happy for their friends and family who have conceived. Its just the fact that as a culture we have made infertility a secret battle that feels almost impossible to relate to. A secret pain that you alone are enduring and possibly even ashamed of... We talk openly about pregnancy, we recognize every prenatal milestone, but infertility is not talked about. 

Well, lets talk about it. 

1.5 million women between the ages of 15 and 44 are considered infertile today (Source).

Infertility affects about 12 percent of the reproductive-age population. In the United States, this includes 7.3 million women and their partners (Source). 

Among married women without children, 25 percent of those aged 35 to 39 were infertile (Source).

At least a million babies have been born in the U.S. using lab-assisted techniques (Source).

20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage (Source).

1 in 4 women have experienced the heartache of at least one miscarriage (Source).

My goal with this article was not to ask anyone to stop saying these statements, hide their pregnancy successes, or even create sympathy.... My goal was simply to give a voice to many woman's private battle.  I see you. We see you. It is your path to parenthood.  It is also your decision on how to get there.  Families privately battling their way to parenthood have given a great deal of thought to their options. Should we adopt, foster, seek fertility treatments, become super Aunts and Uncles or let nature decide? They probably have the most thought out and conscious path to parenthood in our society.  As a result, their choice must be honored and respected.