Stranger Danger vs. Tricky People

Contributing Writer: Devin Rojas of New Jersey

I’ve never liked the lesson “stranger danger”. We’re a military family, we’ve moved to new locations several times, people move in and out of the street faster than I can switch a load of laundry. Police and child protection investigators are people I teach my kids to trust. Nice moms at Target when you’re lost, waiters, the mailman, Santa Claus... all these people are strangers. Do I go through the world telling my kids that they’re dangerous by nature of being strangers when research shows that children are far more likely to be harmed by someone they know and trusts? I strongly believe in using facts and evidence to guide my parenting in addition to instinct. The facts are that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men report being sexually abused before they were 18 years old, and that 73% of them didn’t report it for a year and 45% for five years. Those numbers alone tell me that there is a reasonably high likelihood of one of my children encountering this, and that I may not know about it.

If we know this then why are we still teaching stranger danger? I have already had many “talks” with my children. I started the moment they could talk with “good touch, bad touch”. I believe it’s never too early to teach children. They are now 9, 6, and 2 and we still have these conversations regularly. A few years ago friend shared an article about tricky people which really gave me the language to help my then 6-year old know what to look for. So, what are tricky people?

Tricky people are people who:

·  Seem far too old to be interested in your kid.
·  Tell your kid to keep secrets
·  Make your kid feel guilty, who encourage your kid to do things they don’t want to do. 
·  Don’t listen to your child/s boundaries. 
·  Try to get your kid alone. 
·  Encourage kids to break family or household rules, they may ask kids to hide things from their parents.

A tricky person can be the nice mom next door who sneaks extra candy to the kids after the parents have asked her not to, then tells kids its their little secret.  A tricky person may be the soccer coach who asks your son to stay late to help with a project, but that he must keep the project a secret. A tricky person may be the grandparent who continues to have tickle fights with a child, despite the child having told the grandparent multiple times that it bothers them.

Photo by: http://www.jessfielderphotography.com/

I'm not Superwoman, Pass Me Any Dose of Energy Please.

I have mentioned this before in other entries, but our Baby Bear was the result of fertility treatments. There were a lot of rules our doctor recommended, one of which was quitting caffeine. When you are paying thousands of dollars to get pregnant, its a big motivator to follow any rules that can increase your chances of a successful pregnancy. Quitting alcohol, no brainer. Reducing soy, no biggy. No raw lunch meat, not an issue for this vegetarian. Quitting caffeine, um...... say what? GULP.

Okay, so the first weekssssssssssssssss were hard. I swear I had cravings and withdraws for nearly a month. The beauty of the timing was that I was also very morning sick, so I couldn't caffeinate even if I wanted to. At that time if it wasn't a berry or ginger ale, I didn't want to eat it anyway.

Through my pregnancy, once I climbed out of those horrible withdraws, I found that being caffeine free actually increased my energy level. I was less anxious, didn't crash mid day, and in general got more energy from food then before. Post baby, I nursed so the motivation to stay caffeine free continued. I craved certain sodas or drinks on occasion but was able to resist the urge. I plan on having another baby and hate the idea of going through withdraws again....

But as we all know, being a Mom is exhausting. No sleeping through the night, unpredictable hours, minimal down or self time, still a household, career and social life to attempt to maintain.... There is only so much a person can literally do. This is where the temptation to drink caffeine again certainly comes in.

I'm not superwoman, pass me any dose of energy please. 

These bad boys are AAAAAAAAMAZING!



The Solaray, Two-Stage, Time-Release Mega B-Stress vitamins are this Mom-ease secret weapon. The go for about $15.00 on Amazon but here is the secret, its the "two-stage, time-release" that makes these amazing.  There may be other brands that offer this, but these vegetarian capsules were in my budget. I take three at lunch and within ten minutes I have new energy that lasts me until bedtime. The energy is wonderful because it does not come with anxiety like caffeine and feels more like a second wind.

Postpartum Recovery- Why is this such a secret?

The absolute hardest part of my pregnancy and birth was the postpartum recovery. This is true for most first time moms, yet no one ever talks about it. And why? I certainly could have used the heads up... There is so much build up to the birth and "how horrible and painful" it is, that no one seems to think it is important to mention what recovery looks like for vaginal births.  This entry will be my attempt to break that secret wide open and prepare some new mommies.

So, here are 10 of the ugly truths.

1) Bleeding (lochia) - There will be bleeding and lots of it. Not just a "period flow," but a "you just pushed a tiny human out of your uterus flow."  After a few days, the bleeding tapers off significantly, but most women bleed for 2-6 weeks.

2) Diapers - You will need diapers and not just for that adorable Little Bear, but for you! Not liners, not pads, but diapers. I was in diapers for about a week and then I was able to taper down to pads.

3) Soreness - You will be sore. I was sore for about 4-6 weeks post baby. The first few days hurt to sit,  but you gradually get less and less sore as days pass. This is one of the reasons first-time Mom's delay sex for about 1-2 months post baby (some longer), because they are still tender.

4) Stool Softeners - Yes, that tenderness means pushing for #2 can feel very scary! Once you get one poop down, you will be golden for the rest, but that first one can be scary. Stool softeners help.  They are your training wheels for pooping again.

5) No Toilet Paper - Many midwifes and doctors recommend not using toilet paper or wipes for the first few weeks to help prevent additional tearing or infection. Many women use a rinse bottle to clean themselves after bathroom breaks.

6) Baby Blues - I feel like there has been an increase in awareness of postpartum depression, but it has come at a cost. Women are forgetting about "baby blues." All women get baby blues and it is different from postpartum depression. Baby blues is a term used to describe the depression, anxiety and just general moodiness that comes from the quick shift in hormones, lack of sleep and physical recovery of delivery. Postpartum depression is defined by an attachment issue with baby and not exclusively for feeling depression symptoms.

7) Abdominis Rectus (Split abs) - This condition is super common. Sometimes a mom's abs get pushed to the side to make room for baby to grow, and then post delivery she will be tender and sore from not having those muscles in their original place. Many moms find using a postpartum belly wrap or binder helpful as an external support, while those internal muscles find their way back. The binder wont be "needed" after 1-2 weeks, but having one will certainly help you walk around those first few days.

8) Breastfeeding - Nursing can be complicated in the beginning. How could something so natural be so difficult for so many woman? I won't dive into this one too much because honestly it needs its own entry, but it is normal to have a few days of painful, bleeding nipples. So don't freak out or give up. Its very temporary.

9) Bladder Weakness - Your bladder will never be the same and ya, you may pee on yourself more. Some Moms are able to strengthen their pelvic floor muscles pretty quickly and resolve this issue in a few months, but others deal with a longer period of "oops" urine leakage.

10) Driving - Women are recommended to not drive for about six weeks after delivery of their first child. This isn't always possible logistically for some families, but the muscles used to drive are significantly weaker and can effect your ability to respond quickly.

Overall, this entry was not meant to scare you. Trust me, you will be in heaven the moment you stare into those little eyes and hold those baby fingers. You wont be thinking as much about yourself or your pain.  Additionally, you will have tons of awesome hormones and such helping your amazing body (that just grew that perfect baby) do just as amazing of a job recovering.

Two Week Wait

Every woman has had the dreadful experience of the "two week wait." Two week wait refers to the time between your ovulation and your scheduled menstruation.  For those eagerly awaiting a pregnancy or nail biting over the outcome of an"oopsie," those two weeks can feel like they drag on foreeeeeeeeeeeevvveeerrrrr. If you're anything like me, those two weeks are full of magnified self examination of both physical and emotional symptoms. I would search for the tiniest clue to see if Aunt Flow was truly on her way or if the first little signs of our very own Baby Bear were peeking through.

Here is the thing.... While, it may seem impossible, putting it out of your mind is the best thing you can do. Very, very early pregnancy symptoms and menstruation symptoms are exactly the same. No women's PMS is the same every month and no women's early pregnancy symptoms are the same every pregnancy.  They are both your body's response to a surge of very similar female hormones. There are tons of articles detailing the "Very Early Signs of Pregnancy." They include: Bloating, Cramps, Discharge, blah, blah, blah... Get me drift? Hello! You just described PMS. And those early pregnancy tests... Sheesh! Even if you get a negative result, you're not going to believe it until your period arrives. So why waste the money and heartache?

My family relied on fertility treatments to get our Little Bear here and in our arms.  Fertility treatments certainly take the fun out of "making a baby." They are very scheduled, regimented, sometimes painful, and expensive.  We made 10 attempts before getting our positive test and let me tell you, it was the time I "stopped caring" and quit self examining that I had a successful try. I literally said to myself, "I can't keep planning my life around this." I am someone who springs into action right away, so I made a major job change, enjoyed caffeine again, and bought new clothes (in my current size) all while completely ignoring my body.

I swear to you.... it was after those two weeks I found out I was pregnant. And, ironically I knew I was pregnant because I had a complete absence of any symptoms.

My point of this entry is more for the Mama Bears. You are not alone. That two week wait is crazy for any woman and something we rarely ever talk about.  It takes time to make perfect, don't give up and don't drive yourself crazy with micromanaging your own body.

The Drag Queen Who Said "Thank You"

July 1st, 2017 was San Antonio's Pride Parade.  San Antonio is a liberal city, but we are also a Texan city, and a city snuggled up to the Mexican border. This creates a great mix of culture and tradition and a wide variance in political/social views. Our city's Pride has grown over the past few years and has gone from being a small blip on the heteros' radar to a sought after, family-friendly event.

Our Little Bear is 19 months old and this year marked his second San Antonio Pride Parade. This year was much more exciting for him. He not only could hold up his own head, he could wave a rainbow flag (vigorously); surely annoying those sitting next to us and titillating all who walked by.  Little Bear was having a blast! He saw lots of "bikes," cool floats, bright lights, enjoyed loud music, and just soaked in an overall atmosphere of celebration and acceptance.

As one float passed by a Drag Mother (a senior Drag Queen) pointed at my son. She mouthed "thank you." Put her hands to her heart and gave and angelic and sincere grin.

Every mom is familiar with the almost expected compliments for their child's "gorgeousness and brilliance," but a sincere "thank you" gave me pause.... I looked around and realized what this view must look like from that float. A Queen from the Harvey Milk generation was looking down at a community of gay and straight families alike.  My son, our next generation, was being raised with the idea that being LGBTQ was not only okay, but worth celebrating. During the Trump Era, this exchange was worth noting.

We may not always feel like we have control over our political environment, but we certainly have an immeasurable ability to introduce a better world to our next generation. A generation where love and acceptance is the norm. This thought, this moment, that thank you, was a powerful one.      

Skinny Baby can be Healthy Baby too.

My man was forced to be sedentary in utero (lol, just not enough room to party), so he was born in the 70% for weight. The moment he was born he held up his head and turned it to meet his family. He rolled over at two weeks and was one of those rare babies who loved tummy time. Everything physical was/is exciting and fun. 

Little Bear has a fantastic appetite. Nursing was a breeze from day one and my supply came quickly and easily. We nursed his first year and he introduced food to himself at 4.5 months. We were sitting by a fruit bowl and he pulled out a banana and ate each delicious bite like he had discovered the forbidden fruit. 

Little Bear still loves meal times; yet, for the last 15 months we have struggled to stay on the birth chart. This of course brings on all kinds of anxieties for a new mom. Ironically, Little Bear always looked the same size as other babies in his play groups. Come to find out, many of his friends were also struggling to stay on the chart. Little Bear has also always worn his age appropriate size. He wore 3-6 month clothing when he was 3-6 months old, and so on, yet parents seem to norm being a size bigger than your little ones age....

In a world where chubby baby = healthy baby, skinny babies can make a new mom nervous. In our 17 months, here is what I have learned:

- Some babies are skinny and that's healthy for them. As long as there is a steady growth and nutrition levels are normal (i.e. Iron, etc) it is likely that baby is healthy. 

- There is a nursing vs formula growth chart and the nursing chart shows slightly slower weight gains than the formula chart. 

- The growth chart has been revised several times to include new weight and data statistics, however, we are also in the era where childhood obesity is on the rise and indicators and nutrition habits can start as early as infancy. 

- Skinny babies should always work towards weight gain, but not stress over it. The weight gain goal is not because he or she is too small, but to create a weight cushion if he or she ever gets sick which will result in additional weight loss. 

- Skinny baby does not mean tiny adult. The only trend proven is that skinny baby tends to mean healthy adult. 

- Not all babies experience their major growth spurts at the same time as other babies. Some are late bloomers and as a result will fall behind on the chart only to catch up in toddler or school age years.

Chubby babies are adorable! Who doesn't love a rolly, juicy, baby thigh.... but a Skinny baby is also adorable. The active, mini toddler-like build, is just as lovable. 

Cloth Diapers for First Timers

I'm an economically minded human. I have never been seduced by designer brands. I believe its basically a scam making me pay extra for someone else to tell me what's cool. I prefer to treasure hunt, problem solve and create.  So, naturally my approach to motherhood would hold true to those principles.  I knew from the beginning that cloth diapers were going to be part of my parenting plan. It would save money, be better for the environment, and the designs were so cute. The shopping was the easy part, but figuring out a system once my Little Bear was here took a little more support. Here are 7 tips that helped me through the process.
 1) Wait on the umbilical cord. Our midwife suggested we use disposables until the umbilical cord fell off. She shared that many of the moms that insisted on cloth diapers from the beginning had higher rates of infection.
 2) One size fits all, does not fit all. Honestly, the adjustable diapers are amazing and you certainly get your moneys worth, but they don't really button down to a newborn size. This worked great for us considering our midwife's feedback regarding the umbilical cord anyway. We decided to do newborn disposables until our baby's but grew into a size 1 diaper. Then we adjusted the snaps as he grew. 
 3) There is no line! When do I change it? So yes, many disposables have this great line that turns color when it times to change your Little Bears diaper and guess what, the cloth diapers do not. Instead, start by changing at least the liner every 2 hours until you learn your babies pattern.
 4) How do you rinse the byproduct? So, now you have a dirty diaper..... and I mean #2 dirty! First, dump the solid into the toilet and flush. Then place the diaper face down in the clean toilet water and flush again. As more new water enters the bowl shake and move the diaper in the flow to give it a good rinse. If this isn't a good fit for you, there are hoses you can attach to your toilet for about $20.00 or you can drop the solid in the toilet and use the bath tub water to rinse the diaper.
 5) If I choose cloth, do I have to only do cloth to get my moneys worth? Some moms are hardcore and do 100% cloth all of the time. I am not that mama. When I am home, we are 100% cloth, but when I am out and about, we use disposables. Also, as my Little Bears bladder grew, we ended up transitioning to disposables during the night as well. A disposable can hold a full night of pee and a cloth most likely will require a minimum of one changing. You will find what path works best for you.  Price wise, its still worth it. Here is why, 1) Most of our cloth diapers were purchased from our registry (the gift that keeps on giving!), 2) Your cloth diapers can last through more than one kid, 3) If you do my version of cloth and disposables, you are still using way more cloth and make your disposable pack last a lot longer.  
 6) How do I wash them? This is really up to you and your philosophies. Some moms do an all natural soap with a rinse cycle on cold and then a wash cycle on hot.  I did this for a while, until I was over the whole "new-mom-no-chemicals-near-my-baby" phase. Now, I simply throw them in the washer with laundry soap and wash them on our longest cycle on hot. Every few weeks, I do a bleach load on the liners to give them an extra cleanse.
 7) Extra perk! You wont need swim diapers.... EVER! Cloth diapers are perfect for the pool, river, where ever you and your little one swim. You will never need to buy swim diapers. Overall, there are so many different brands and types of cloth diapers. All-in-Ones vs pockets, snaps vs. velcro, etc.  The good news is you don't have to commit to just one method. Buy a variety. There is no harm in having options. We started our collection off with about 12 diapers and 30 liners (most diapers come with 2 liners). This bunch lasts us about 2-3 days depending on my Little Bear's age. You will find what works best for you over time. Happy diapering!

Little Bear with his Bestie. Photo by: Tedeye Photography